The anti-crying-it-out sleep plan

So Audrey is almost 8 months old now, and has been going through an extended phase (since just before 6 months) where she has wanted to eat at least every 3 hours at night, sometimes much more than that. This started off because we went to see my parents over the holidays, and then went on to a family reunion in California. Both of these situations promoted a lot of "Audrey in bed with us" because she was just starting separation anxiety and we were in strange places, so it was easier for all if she slept with us. After we returned to Tucson, we worked on getting her back into her crib for the night, but she resisted, and then I got sick, meaning I didn't want to be getting up multiple times in the night to feed her, and so we were back to square one.

A little more than a week ago we decided to try a quasi crying-it-out plan - she would be in bed with us, but after eating, mom's restaurant would close down and she would have to sleep. This worked for a night or two, but then she wised up and just started crying for long periods. Like pretty much 3 hours straight one night. We couldn't stand it. So goodbye "cry-it-out-in-bed."

Last Friday, we decided to try something new, what I'm calling the tag-team plan. How it works is this: since she's been used to eating mostly all night, we don't want to cut her off completely (even though she can probably make it through the night without eating, as evidenced by "many other babies" everyone is always telling us about). Anyway, I decided I can handle 2 feedings, one at midnight (or later) and one at 4 am (or later) after we put her to bed (usually averaging around 8 pm). The tag-team part is that if, after I put her down at 8 pm, she wakes up anytime before midnight, Paul is on duty. He will go in and calm her down, walk with her (if he has energy), rock with her, and ultimately put her down and hold her hand until she goes to sleep. I then sleep as much as I can from 8:30/9:00 pm to midnight-ish, and then I feed her the first time when she wakes up after 12 (she tends to prefer 12:30 am). Then if she wakes up between the end of that feeding and 4 am-ish, I perform the same walk-rock-hand-holding maneuvers that Paul did before 12. Then if she wakes up after 4 am (give or take, I am not super-stickler about this and will feed her at 3:45 or whatever) she gets another feeding, hopefully to last her until at least 6 am.

So far it is working well. There is definitely less crying, especially after the first couple nights when she woke up quite a bit and stayed awake for longer than 20-30 minutes (the duration of a feeding or a quick-ish settling down). Since we are generally holding her when she cries, it is much easier to settle her down vs. having her in the crib crying and getting more and more worked up. Because neither of us is "on" all night, we are able to get more sleep - I might wake up at 11 if I hear her cry and Paul doesn't, but then he'll go settle her down and I can go back to sleep.

Our hope is that we can work down to one or no feedings overnight, and Audrey seems to be working toward the one-feeding goal too. The other night she woke up just once, at 2:30, to eat, so we'll see how it continues to go. Paul and I decided that "consistency is key" - we both try to do the same things to settle her down, and we follow the same tag-team plan so she knows who she's getting based on when she wakes up. The big challenge on the horizon will be Paul and I going on our belated "Valentines date" on Saturday - we'll see what effect that has, although it may not be too bad since it might just delay her bedtime (or mean she gets a "bonus" feeding when we get home at 9:30 or 10 pm). Keep your fingers crossed for the continued success of the tag team and Audrey's continued cooperation with our efforts!

Renewing Vows and Unanswerable Questions

Just to be clear, the two parts of today's title are not related - I just have two short topics I am thinking about so I figured I'd put them in one entry.

On Valentines Day, Paul and I renewed our wedding vows while holding Audrey, who was content to try to dismantle the two roses tied together with ribbon that they had given us. The renewal ceremony was held at a Lutheran church on the southeast side, and most of the people participating were from that church, but a few, like us, had read about the ceremony in the paper on Thursday under "alternative things to do for Valentines Day" and called the church office on Friday to RSVP.

The service was at 2 pm, and Paul's story is that he got so frustrated with me complaining that I had nothing to wear (that fit, anyway) around 11:30 am that he took Audrey and sent me out to buy something , anything that I felt looked decent and not to come back until I had something. It took me almost 2 hours but I managed to get a black skirt. I couldn't even find a whole outfit. But I put the skirt together with a shirt I already had, fed Audrey, and we got in the car and went to the service, making it just in time.

My story is that although we made it to the service, I forgot my camera so we have no pictures of this event. We ended up waiting a bit anyway once we got there because they were waiting for one more couple who had RSVPed. The service was nice although I did have to get up and walk around with Audrey when the pastor made his remarks - a sort of mini-sermon, but still too long for Audrey to sit through. After several readings and the remarks, we got up to renew our vows. The church was octagonal, and had an octagonal alter rail around the central altar, so we spread out around the alter, facing our partners. There were 13 couples, and the pastor had specifically admonished us that we were to say our vows to our current partner and not to someone we happened to be standing next to as we circled the alter. One couple had been married 50 years that day, so they stood up on the alter with the pastor and he read the vows for them. The men went first, with the pastor saying "I, Don" which Paul quickly changed to "I, Paul" then..."take you, Roberta" to which Paul promptly repeated "take you, Roberta" I started laughing as Paul pressed on, repeating the vows and slipping in "Kay" in a few spots so he could assure me that he was renewing his vows with me, and was not in fact marrying Roberta.

After the service the ladies of the church had made a variety of valentines cakes - one looked like a mini wedding cake but others were heart-shaped with jam and the best one, a low-sugar chocolate cake. They were all very tasty, and people admired Audrey who of course put on her most charming looks for them. As I told Paul, I wanted to renew our vows because it was a sentimental thing to do on Valentines day, but also because I knew there would be a story. Or in this case, at least two.

Now, to close with the unanswerable questions. There are two, right now. One is "How's your dissertation going?" and the other is "Is Audrey sleeping through the night?" The short answers are "Slowly" and "No" and I don't really want to get into either!

Sleeping through the night

Audrey and I went yesterday to have a playdate with Lauren and Gavin down in Sahuarita, and we started talking about sleep. Lauren said Gavin has now been sleeping approximately 12 hours at night, and she achieved this by a means she called "Every 15 minutes" but what I would call "cry it out." It's hard to argue with the results - 12 hours of time to sleep, plus spend some time with Paul or pursuing my own interests (actually reading a book? amazing!) seems very tempting.

But I am besieged with thoughts about all the "other" things that are going on. In addition to the thought of having to listen to Audrey cry for perhaps hours for four or five nights (the time Lauren said it took Gavin to adjust, although there's no telling how long it might take Audrey) I think, should we really be forcing self-soothing on her when she's growing? When she's teething? She's a pretty good self-soother (no losing your pacifier when it is two fingers on your left hand - always there!) and will sleep in her crib, but there are just some times that she adamantly does not want to be in the crib, she would rather be close to us (well, me, sorry Paul) to sleep.

So I don't know, though some of Paul's co-workers say we're "spoiling" her by going to her in the night and bringing her back to bed with us if she won't settle otherwise (or if I'm too tired to spend the time to try to get her back in the crib) I prefer to think we're raising a happy, secure child. Will Gavin, or other "cry it out" babies turn out insecure or be somehow otherwise lacking? Probably not, but I guess each set of parents just does what seems best to them at the time and no one knows the results until much later!

All or Nothing

It seems like Audrey is an "all or nothing" girl. Maybe this is just a characteristic of all babies, I don't know. But it seems that she picks one activity and spends almost all of her day doing it. Some days it's eating. Those are very frustrating and tiring days for me, since I still harbor hopes of doing something besides feeding the baby. It doesn't have to be much, just a walk to the mailbox or getting on email briefly. But on those "feeding frenzy" days, those things don't really happen. Some days she sleeps. Like yesterday. Though I should enjoy this "free" time, and I kind of do, I am also thinking in the back of my mind "Is it okay for her to sleep this long during the day? Maybe I should wake her to feed her? Is she going to wake up at midnight and think it's morning? [Answers: Yes, I didn't, and She didn't.] Some days she's just awake. All day, practically, despite the fact that infants are supposed to get something like 10-14 hours of sleep per day. And I think, "What can I do with her to give her fodder for her developing brain?" Is it bad to let her stare at Headboard until she gets bored? Is it bad that I lie down next to her on the floor when she's on her playmat, and I almost fall asleep as she stares incessantly at the monkey? (she seems to like looking at other primates - her chimp friend Gregory, the monkey on her playmat, and of course Paul and I). I tried to read to her but she doesn't seem that interested - more interesting are outings where she gets to see other babies (I think this kid is an extrovert, despite having two introvert parents), so we've been going to some mom-baby groups. And trying to get out of the house at least once a day, even if it's just for a short errand. That's about it for today...back to baby care on this "awake" day!